Playing the Game
by Lady of Roses
Summary: Song fic. The course of love is never smooth. Saying "I love you" was the simple part, maintenance of the relationship...well that's another thing altogether. A tale of two lovers who lost their way. Losing the way is easy, finding the way back...BoXKur
1. Her side

The song If I Were a Boy by Beyonce inspired me to write this piece. I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of sadness when I watched the music video, and I thought to myself how much the song seems so true. Hope you enjoy this because I didn't study for my finals to write this. Sorry if there's any confusion or grammatical errors and remember to review! Hope you have a Happy Holidays and a Happy New Years!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho!**

**Playing the Game**

_I've watched and seen you do things that I could never do. Things that if I were to try and pursue would condemn me and label me more unjustly than it would you. You are allowed to play these games just because you're a boy…_

To whom this may concern,

I've thought of doing things that would be labeled as scandalous. Thinking that perhaps I should play the game just to see why it appealed to you so much, why it appealed to all boys so much.

I've always been told that the life boys live is much harder than that of a girl, but that isn't true. They aren't conformed to the strict regulations and rules that appear to girls, yes they do more dangerous and labor intensive jobs but that doesn't mean anything anymore. Not when most machines take away the need for muscle in today's society.

Boys don't have to obey the rules and ideals of the media propaganda, which scatter across pictures of magazines and televisions. Boys don't starve themselves to fit into a size 5 dress. Boys don't have to wake up hours earlier to endure the hot rods of a curling iron and the plucking and priming of early morning toiletry routines. Boys don't have to walk around in three inch heels just to make their legs like longer and their butt look better. Boys don't' have to stand in front of their closets and plan and contemplate what clothing they should wear, for if a girl didn't rotate her clothing and wore an item too much people start to take notice. If only my life was that simple.

_**If I were a boy  
Even just for a day  
I'd roll out of bed in the morning  
And throw on what I wanted and go**_

I remember waking up early to find myself sleeping in an empty bed. I remember wondering if you came home last night. I find myself worrying myself into a state of panic on your behalf.

Then I find myself questioning whether I should have worried or not. If you even cared anymore whether I too went out and didn't come home days at the time. Whether you would let me go and meet with friends that I haven't seen recently because you deemed that I wasn't committing to our relationship. I wonder if you would allow me to have meaningless conversations and flirt with men. I wonder if you would even care anymore.

_**Drink beer with the guys  
And chase after girls  
I'd kick it with who I wanted  
And I'd never get confronted for it  
Because they'd stick up for me  
**_

I question if you even remember the promises and loving words you use to whisper in the dead of the night in the beginning years of our relationship. If you even understand how much pain you cause me now that you're not around as often anymore. I use to know and understand you, but I don't think I can listen to your careless promises of love and eternity anymore. Not unless you change.

_**If I were a boy  
I think I could understand  
How it feels to love a girl  
I swear I'd be a better man**_

But you can't change. It's not in your nature to change. You're stubborn and prideful and you refuse to see the truth. You don't see the destruction and pain you're causing me because you refuse to see it. It never even crossed your mind that I was thinking about leaving you, tossing away the years that I've dedicated and cultivated with you because you never listen to any of my problems. You don't see any difficulties, you stop seeing me as a girl that needed love and affection but rather as a live in caretaker that looks after your every whim.

_**I'd listen to her  
Cause I know how it hurts  
When you lose the one you wanted  
Cause he's taken you for granted  
And everything you had got destroyed  
**_

I lost count of how many times over the past year that I phoned you and the only thing I receive would be your voicemail. All the times where I would call just to have the busy signal sent my way. You act like I'm not important enough to talk too, like you're ashamed of me.

I would wonder if I'm fooling myself into believing all the lies that you told me. That the brand new phone that I bought you would conveniently have technical difficulties when I called you. That all the time you came home late was due to business and not anything else.

_**  
If I were a boy  
I would turn off my phone  
Tell everyone it's broken  
So they think  
that I was sleeping alone**_

I remember the times I would call to ask if you would be coming home for dinner. I think of all the uneaten meals that I cooked, all the burnt out candles and forgotten plans. The list just goes on and all. In the beginning they happened rare enough, but as the months past the incidents when you would forget become more and more frequent.

I remember sitting on the couch for hours, dolled up from top to bottom waiting for you to come home to celebrate our fifth anniversary, only to have you stumbling home past 2 A.M drunk and smelling like another girl's perfume.

I would always find myself angry, no furious, beyond belief. Only to wake up to find small gestured that indicate that you was sorry: breakfast in bed, flowers and chocolate or even jewelry.

_**I'd put myself first  
And make the rules as I go  
Cause I know that she'd be faithful  
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)  
**_

Every time I think you understand the damage you inflict upon me you would prove me wrong. You would follow the same routine again after I start to heal. You would stumble home late; you would drink and fool around with girls. The cycle would than begins again, the pain, the hurt and the forgiveness. I can never gather enough strength to pursue an escape; I can't bring myself to leave the only boy I ever love.

I remember when you use to do anything in your power to make me happy, to solve my problems and ease my burden. But as the years stroll by the boy that I once knew changed into someone that didn't care anymore, someone who refused to better themselves for me.

_**If I were a boy  
I think I could understand  
How it feels to love a girl  
I swear I'd be a better man**_

How much pain must a girl endure before she becomes numb to her surrounds? How many times must I fool myself into believing that you'll come home in time to sit down with me for dinner? Why do I keep torturing myself by staying with you? Am I a sadist that I find pleasure in the pain that you're causing me? Why can't I just pick up my broken pieces and find a safe haven in which to slowing try to fit back the shards of my heart?

I can't because I'm too in love with you. I can't because I don't know how I'll ever live without you in my life. I can't because I know you need me. I know that it's not healthy for me to keep undergoing this but I just can't conjure up the strength or will power to leave you.

_**I'd listen to her  
Cause I know how it hurts  
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)  
Cause he's taken you for granted (granted)  
And everything you had got destroyed**_

I know all this but I must try. I need to try to stand on my own two feet again, who needs a perversion of love anymore. I can only take so many apologizes, all of your pleas and groveling wouldn't make an impact on my decision to leave you. I can't take anymore of the heartache that seems to enter regularly into my life.

_**It's a little too late for you to come back  
Say it's just a mistake  
Think I forgive you like that  
If you thought I would wait for you  
You thought wrong**_

_**  
**_I remember the first time I ever met you. You smiled that endearing smile when we were introduced by our friends, the grin that nearly melted my heart and cast me to a puddle at your feet. The gentlemanly way you captured my hand and brought it to your lips. They way your emerald eyes gleamed in amusement when I blushed.

I remember the first time you asked me out. The nervous look on your face as you pulled forth a bouquet of red roses and thrust it forward, the manner your eyes couldn't meet mine as you asked for me to go out to dinner with you. I recall the look of pure physical relief when I accepted, the sigh of liberation that escaped from your mouth.

But the day would be forever engraved in my mind was the day you whispered you loved me, the look of torture when I started crying after your confession. I recalled how you rushed forward to say that it was okay if I didn't feel the same way, that you just wanted me to know the feelings in your heart. I remember the look of confusion on your face when I threw myself on you and shyly whispered the same words back. You had the most ecstatic appearance on your face as you picked me up and twirled me around.

You were so anxiousness when you asked me to move in with you. The look of determination that appeared on your face as you kneeled down in front of me and pulled out that velvet box. Your face full of boyish charm when you jested about the pathetic size of the diamond, the love that emerged on your face as you asked me to marry you.

_**But you're just a boy  
You don't understand (yea you don't understand)  
How it feels to love a girl  
Someday you'll wish you were a better man**_

The years go by so swiftly, and how fast people change. The perfect life and relationship we once had corroded and deformed itself into this ambiguous piece. I'm not even sure if we have the right to call what we have a relationship anymore, all I know is I can't stand it anymore.

It seems I'm always living in the past. I can't picture myself going on anymore, not with the person you've become. Not when you refuse to grow up and become a man. Not when I know that you litter our pathetic relationship with lies. Not when you can't bring forth the courage to accept that I've changed as well, not I'm not that naïve girl that believed in fairytales and happily-ever-after.

_**You don't listen to her  
You don't care how it hurts  
Until you lose the one you wanted  
Cause you've taken her for granted  
And everything you had got destroyed  
**_

I may love you once upon a time, but I can't sit around waiting for you to change yourself back into the gentle and loving person I fell in love. I can only accumulate enough strength to say I loved you and goodbye. You need to open up your eyes and see that this relationship can't be salvage anymore, that whatever love that was ever felt between us has died and withered away.

Sincerely yours,

Botan

_I need a man that can fulfill my emotional needs. I need someone that makes me feel needed and wanted. I need someone that loves me. I need someone new, but just remember that I loved you. I'm not that girl anymore that you once knew. I grew up and I need a man who knows how to take care of me…_

_**But you're just a boy…  
**_

_**

* * *

**_

Well hope you enjoy this story, I'm planning to make a second installment in Kurama's point-of-view. Sorry that there isn't really any Botan and Kurama interaction but it's supposed to be a sad breakup story. Actually it's a work in progress and I'm halfway through so it should be up soon. Remember to review and tell me what you think!

EDIT: Somehow I didn't notice that I replaced the first chapter with the second...so now that's fixed.


	2. His plea

I guess you can say this is the other half of the story, this is Kurama's perspective. This is the remix of If I were a Boy by Beyonce featuring . Some of the lyrics don't make sense unless you heard what Beyonce said to correspond with his response, so when it's needed I'll plug it in with parenthesis. Hope you enjoy and please excuse any errors!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho!**

**Playing the Game **

_Why did you have to leave? What did I do wrong to make you coarsely pack up and leave me with nothing but a note? I love you…_

**To: **MissBotan

**From: **ShuichiMinamino**  
**

**Subject:** Please don't delete

I came home expecting to see you there waiting for me like you always did. Like how I always thought you would. I took for granted all the times that I would come home to the comforting scent of dinner being cooked or just the loving smile that would appear on your face as you greeted me with a kiss. I didn't know anything was wrong. I did everything in my power to make you happy; I tried to fulfill your every need.

I didn't want your friends to poison your mind with thoughts of me being unfaithful or how I was using you. I would never do that! I've just been so busy living life to the fullest. I've learned to celebrate each day that comes since you've entered my life.

You knew me well enough to know that I loved your mind, body and soul. You should've known me well enough to understand the stress I'm dealing in life right now. You should've of put your faith and trust in me, knowing that I'll fix anything or everything that's distressing you.

_**If you were a boy**_

_**Then girl you'd understand**_

_**You need to stop listening to your friends**_

_**Love, respect and trust your man**_

I needed to release stress. I need to be able to live my life to the fullest without you condemning me of wrong doing every step of the way. Yes, I talk, drink and dance with other girls but it means nothing. They mean nothing to me! Don't I always coming home to you? Aren't you the one wearing my ring? Aren't you the one that I plan to spend the rest of life with?

How could you leave me for just trivial things that would have been worked out between us? Did I mean so little to you that you can just leave? How could you have doubts about me?

Didn't I say all the things I love about you? Love the way your amethyst eyes twinkle when you have a secret. The adorable way you scrunch your nose up when you smelling something distasteful or hear something you don't approve of. The way you would always frown and cross your arms when you're angry or dissatisfied with something I've done. The way your smiles lights up the room and caused me constant distractions, the way your laughter instantly made everything in the world fade away.

Haven't I told you I've loved you enough? Haven't I shown a million times that I love you? Didn't I use to buy you flowers or jewelry to show that I care? Didn't I use to plan vacations and secret dates to take you? Didn't I do enough to make you happy and stay with me?

_**So I go to clubs with the guys**_

_**And sometimes flirt with the girls**_

_**I should be able to roll out**_

_**As long as I'm coming home to you**_

_**And give you the world**_

I'd do anything for you! I work long hours so we could get the house that you wanted, I've cut back hours that I use to hang out with my friends because you thought we didn't spend enough time together. I shorten my lunch hours so that I could get my work done faster to get home to you. I stuck with this job that I hate so that I could support you!

After all I've done, how can you have the nerve to say what you said? How could you think that I've fooled around with other girls? How could you even install those horrible thoughts in your mind! When I proposed to you and offered you my heart and soul, I expected you to take proper care them. Not leave it abandoned and unwanted.

_**But you are not a boy,**_

_**So you don't have a clue (ey)**_

_**How I work and pay the bills**_

_**Girl everything I do is for you (eh eh)**_

I don't understand how you can fool around with my heart. I don't understand how you can accuse me of turning off my cell phone every time you call. Didn't it ever occur to you that certain areas don't have reception? Why would I ever do what you accuse me of doing? I look forward to every phone call I ever receive from you; just the sound of your voice instantly lightens up my day. It makes very second away from you more tolerable.

Why would I need to prowl the streets and bars for girls when I have you at home? No girl can compare to your loving disposition and beauty. No girl can hold a candle next to your smile and your laughter.

_**If I were a Girl**_

_(I would turn off my phone)_

_**I wouldn't play games**_

_(Tell everyone it's broken  
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone)_

_**Girl you know that's wrong**_

You're everything I could ever hope for in a girl, in a woman. You're everything that I don't deserve. I never believed the saying that dictated that no man deserves the woman he loves you came into my life. You're just everything to me. It's hard to fathom that you left, it's even harder to grasp that I drove you away.

I'm not perfect Botan, no matter what anyone says I'm nowhere near the perfect man nor are you a perfect woman. We all make mistakes, all I can do is love you, and all I can do is try to make you happy. Your perfect for me, all your flaws complement my flaws.

_**But you are not a boy,**_

_**So you can't understand**_

_**You are not a perfect woman**_

_**And I am not a perfect man**_

I forfeit this game, whatever it is. If it means you coming back than I'll stop hanging out with the guys, stop going out to clubs and finally pick a wedding date. Please just come back, the house feels so empty without you. My life feels so worthless without you. The thought of never holding you again of never waking up beside you is sheer torture.

_**Cause I know how you feel**_

I'm sorry that I didn't dedicate even more time to make you happy. I'm truly sorry if I did anything to make you question my devotion and love to you. I'm sorry that whatever mistake I made ruined, no destroyed, the peace of our household.

How much apologies do you want before your ready to come home? How many promises do you want me to make? How many sacrifices are sufficient enough until I apprise you and begin the road to mending?

_(Cause he's taking you for granted_

_And everything you had got destroyed)_

_**Got destroyed**_

_**Said I'm sorry**_

Please tell me what I have to do to make you come back; tell me what I need to do. Tell me anything! Just don't tell me it's too late, don't tell me that you're moving on and that everything in the past five years meant nothing to you. Don't tell me that you stop loving me. Don't tell me that you have someone new. Don't tell me to move and find someone else. Don't tell me anything except that you're coming back, that that letter that you left on the hallway table was a joke.

I'm still the person I was before, I'm still the boy you fell in love with and I can be the man that you want. I can be the man that can take care of you, make you happy and fulfill all your needs. Give me one more chance, I'm begging you! I don't want to live without you…

Forever yours,

Shuichi

_I want you to know that no one can ever replace you. You're my first and only love, I'd rather live the rest of my life alone and yearning for you rather than trying to find someone new. Someone who will always be compared to you, someone who will always live in your shadows…_

_**But I can't let you go**_

_**Cause I'm too attached...**_

_**

* * *

**_

Ah the bitter sweetness of first love. Well he's groveling and begging for her to come back! I was thinking about taking pity on the poor Kurama and letting Botan comeback and I'm still considering it but it takes away the point of the whole dramatic breakup. Actually I was fooling around with a few ideas but it'll probably never take any fruition beyond what you see here, it's for your imagination to decide whether she took him back after the sweet plea he wrote her. If you're wondering why he emailed her rather than writing a letter back or calling her to beg her to come back its because 1) he doesn't know where she is so he can't send her a letter and 2) she refused to pick up his calls, what's to say if she even reads this heart touching plea.

Please review! EDIT: Oh I forgot to thank all those that reviewed! It's nice to know that this story tugged at some people's heartstrings!


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